When I heard of my assignment, I was psyched. Motocross is fast-paced, high-adrenaline awesomeness. Unlike Zumba, this subject got my blood pumping. I’ve never actually ridden a dirt bike before. I use to ride four-wheelers a lot when I was little. Dirt bikes are apparently a different story.

I have watched motocross before. It was on before a monster truck rally. How awesome would it have been if I had gotten to participate in that for a column. It looks amazing and pretty easy. Contrary to my first belief, though, dirt bikes are merely not fast bikes. They are more like speeding, toppling, evil machines created to tempt you into breaking your arm.

Before we get into the actually events that occurred, let’s talk more about the actual sport. Dirt bikers are a competitive breed of individuals. A wise man once said, “Friends soon turn enemies on a course of mud.” And of course, when I say wise man, I mean me.

A big part of being the best is obvious–the actual bike. Not all bikes are created equally, or priced equally either. Customizing your bike’s parts affect it greatly as well. Also, a biker must constantly maintain the bike to keep it in tip-top shape.

One of the main factors is style. You have to know how to hit the ramps and turns with perfection to maximize speed. Catching a lot of air may look cool, but it makes you lose precious acceleration time. When it comes to tricks, though, more air time is better for obvious reasons.

I feel I’ve delayed long enough…now my first time on a bike. The first thing was the helmet. It was to keep my head in tact, but it also restricted my vision far beyond the point with which I felt comfortable, which seemed to defeat the safety issue. I mean, it’s a bad idea to put me on a fast hunk of metal in the first place. Now let’s blind me and say it’s for safety, yeah good one.

I never have really had a fear of going fast, but I refrained for obvious reasons. Speeding off would probably wreck my face, and what would I be without my looks?

At first I kind of did the whole wobbling-along-at-two-miles-per-hour thing, but after being coerced into going faster by my friend, I put on the throttle a bit. The thrill was awesome–wind rushing by–it was an amazing feeling.

Then the inevitable force of my confidence kicked in, and I got ahead of myself. Needless to say I busted it, managing some weird move that looked retarded and hurt my ankle, which kept me off the ground. You see, people of above-average-height try anything to stay off the ground. The dirt bike hit hard, and my friend said he’d prefer if we ended there. Banned from racing before I even got started…ahhh, the humanity.

People in motocross love it. If you’re a speed junkie, I would suggest you try it out. But remember, motocross is not cheap, nor is it safe. So if you try it out, you should adopt a careful attitude and not an I-don’t-care one…keeps all your parts in one piece for longer.