I was catching up with a good friend toward the end of Christmas break, and he asked if I was ready to graduate and move out. I responded with an honest and very confused, incomplete sentence full of “umms” and “kindas” and a rather large sigh followed by an “I don’t know…”

We joked around like my boxes were already packed and sitting in my car ready to leave for Hardin-Simmons University tomorrow, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.

The idea of a fresh start in approximately seven months is exciting and quite thrilling, but it’s also frustrating and, to put it simply, the biggest monster under my bed at the moment. You see, I had a “fresh start” not too long ago when I moved to Seminole my sophomore year and another huge transition in my very near future is not the most welcoming thought in my wandering mind. I am remotely familiar with stuffing boxes full of things I don’t really need, trying to fit them in a car, and walking among a sea of nameless faces.

Sure, it could be fun, and you do eventually make friends, but those first few months are hard. The neat thing about college is that the entire freshman class is going through the same circumstances, and this time, I won’t have to stand alone as “the new girl”. Plus, it is a new beginning and something worth getting exciting about.

Being on the verge of taking classes that will directly affect my future career and having numerous hands-on opportunities is neat. The idea of becoming a “real“ adult and going out on my own is something people my age looks forward to and rightfully so.

However, preparing to go to college is also time-consuming and stressful. I don’t feel qualified to make so many decisions as a 17-year-old, and I refuse to let my parents make these decisions for me. “Who am I going to room with?” and “What meal plan do I want?” questions that need answers, followed by “How am I going to pay this ridiculous amount of money?” and “Do I really even want to major in this subject?” These hard-to-answer questions require planning and self-exploration.

My older friends who are either currently in college or have already graduated assure me “College is so much fun!” but the eerie thought of “What if I am the one person who ends up hating everything about the next four years?” remains in the back of my brain.

I like to think of myself as an optimist, but when it comes to my own future, I often think only of the worst possible scenarios, and I have been working to not let the apprehension of the unknown eat me alive.

I guess the current “monster” threatening to swallow me alive would be my irrational fear of missing people. It’s a good thing this fiend was brought out of the dark when I first moved because I have learned a lot about how to handle it. I become easily attached to people, and knowing that when I walk across the stage in May, I will never again lay eyes on several people I have come to know and grown to love throughout my life is terrifying. (Even typing that truth is enough to petrify me.)

I am aware that I will not be the only person missing friends and family in college, but it is still something I will have to deal with. I am learning that every phase of my life will be filled with incredible new friends and fortunately, lots of amazing old ones. It’s part of life, and it is hard to grasp for me sometimes, but the ability to gain new friends and remain in contact with olds ones is, for me, one of the most thrilling parts of the phenomenon called growing up.

This column is a jumble of chaotic, scattered thoughts that pop into my mind weekly. Needless to say, I can be a bit of a mess at times, but the future is knocking, and I will not hide behind a curtain and not answer the door. It’s a new beginning, and I honestly cannot wait for the triumphs or the trials. I might not have my boxes all packed yet, but give me a few months. I’ll get there. I promise you, I’ll get there.