To whom it may concern:

Hello to my second favorite men, Ben and Jerry (next to only THE Jimmy Fallon, of course). I greatly enjoyed The Tonight Show’s (starring Jimmy Fallon) one year anniversary show–especially the part where you entered from behind the blue curtains and introduced a new ice cream flavor, The Tonight Dough. To have the real Ben and Jerry standing next to Jimmy Fallon on my television screen was enough to make me scream in pure giddiness.

Then, the flavor was announced. Caramel and chocolate ice cream with chocolate cookie swirls and gobs of chocolate chip cookie dough and peanut butter cookie dough! The beauty of this combination is uniting cookie lovers, chocolate lovers, peanut butter lovers, AND ice cream lovers all for the greater good of planet Earth. You are restoring my faith in humanity, Ben and Jerry. I simply cannot stop imagining what a mere spoonful of this masterpiece would do for my life and the the universe as a whole.

Unfortunately, I live in the small town of Seminole, Texas, where Ben and Jerry’s is not available. Because of this awful circumstance, I am in even more dire need of this new flavor and was wondering what it would take for a few pints to be shipped to my house? Look, I will pay the amount for each pint of ice cream along with the shipping and handling by whichever shipping service with which you are most commonly associated.

I’m not a picky gal. Really all I want is Jimmy Fallon-themed ice cream without having to drive a long distance to get it. It’s a win, win situation. You get money; together, we support shipping services and promote their utilization, and I get a few pints of joy to savor. To have you mail The Tonight Dough to my home address, let alone even respond to this letter, would make my entire year.

There is also the fact that Jimmy Fallon is giving his proceeds to SeriousFun Children’s Network. I have looked into the network; what a great cause! A pint of ice cream that can put a smile on my face and simultaneously help children with serious illnesses makes the purchase all the more worth it. Ben and Jerry’s, Jimmy Fallon and helping little kids? This partnership rocks!

As you may have noticed, I am taking this proposition very seriously. I do not know how long I will be able to survive without tasting this fantastic creation. I firmly believe that my life will be immensely enhanced after my senses experience this phenomenon of the century. I am willing to do almost anything to get several pints to appear on my doorstep within the next few weeks.

Please get back to me as soon possible. I am your most desperate customer.

Thank you for continuing  collaborate with Jimmy Fallon, and thank you for making happiness in a tub of ice cream! The world would not be as spectacular or grand without you.

Your fellow Fal Pal and lover of ice cream,

Sarah Patterson