MY VIEW: Breaking new ground is scary

I am the first person in my family who is going to college. In fact, I am the first person in my entire extended family who is even going to graduate from high school. To say that I’m under a little bit of pressure would be a huge understatement. I’m scared–no, I’m terrified of the things to come. I’m one-fourth excited, and the other three-fourths is purely fear.

Worries constantly tug at my sleeve. What if no college accepts me? If one does, where will I even begin? What do I want to do? Okay, I’m not going to lie–I have big plans for myself, like, really big. I want to go to medical school to become a prison psychiatrist. Not only is that going to take years, but it’s going to cost a lot more than I could ever afford without the help of scholarships.

This leads me to my next worry: How am I going to get enough scholarships to get myself through school? All of these questions make my head hurt, and I’m feeling stressed again.

I have a lot of support from the people around me. My family, my friends, and even some teachers tell me that I can make it with enough effort. Meanwhile, my head is a constant repeat of Janet Leigh’s Psycho scream. “What do you plan to do in college?” “AHHH!” “Have you filled out any applications yet?” “AHHH!” “What are you having for dinner tonight?” “AHHHH!”

Do I seem a little on edge? Sorry. I just have no idea how I’m going to deal with any of this. The support is always helpful anyway. When I begin to feel like disappearing into the darkness under-my-bedcovers forever and ever, it helps a little bit to know that there are people who believe in me when I think I can’t possibly make it.

My mom is pushing for me to go to college and always tells me that she believes in me. In all honesty, she’s my biggest cheerleader. While I love her more than anything for that, she knows as little as I do about college. Before last year, I barely knew the difference between a major and a minor. It’s almost embarrassing to admit how little I know about college as a senior. I am relying entirely on Upward Bound and my best friend (who is also a first-generation college student, mind you) to help me. The best I can do is look up calendars for seniors and take the ACT/SAT a hundred times until I get a score that I’m satisfied with.

There are so many things I have to do and learn. I swear, it’ll be a miracle if I don’t go bald from stress. I mean, I’m stressing about my hair falling out because of stress. It’s unintentionally counter-productive. I’m trying to convince myself that things will get easier, but it’s a little hard when there are so many things to be done in what seems like a short amount of time.

Yes, I am having a hard time figuring things out, but I think I can get the hang of it. While there are scholarships and applications and millions of other things to think about, I know that I just need some effort, support from my family, and all my hair to stay on my head. I know my plate is full, but I came hungry.